昨晚睡得很好。倒头就睡，根本就没有时间给脑袋想东想西的。醒来时，已经天亮了。
醉酒难受，可是感觉却好好。那种捉不住重心，仿佛在诱惑与现实中间的迷离感，好像突然间变得不需要太过于“自己”。
醉了，其实就像带了个面具。就连自己也猜测不透当时的心情。酒精把所有感觉都搅乱了，忘了自己是否不开心，是否是真的开心。酒醉了，重心不见了，开心与否的心情，真的那么重要吗？对了，我昨晚的目的不是要跳舞，不是要看帅哥，我只是想纯粹的要把自己灌醉。因为，我好想睡觉。
最终，私の日记还是开始了。
Saturday, February 6, 2010
哭過就好了
有时候哭过了，并不一定就会好的。
时间久了，张开双手，放开紧握拳头的包袱，不再释怀，才发现，哭过的眼泪是多余的。。。
-----
时间久了，张开双手，放开紧握拳头的包袱，不再释怀，才发现，哭过的眼泪是多余的。。。
-----
哭過就好了
詞: 姚若龍曲: 陳小霞紫玫瑰片尾曲
詞: 姚若龍曲: 陳小霞紫玫瑰片尾曲
不喜歡懷疑什麼 並不表示我沒有感受
看你微妙的變化 慢慢不同
我不是生氣 只是心痛
最討厭被誤會了 但越解釋越覺得難過
你可以説人會變 但不能説 你會這麼做是我的錯
哭過就好了 傷都會好的
這樣相信所以深呼吸著割捨
愛是為了擁抱 為了牽手
不是為了爭吵 為了調頭
哭過就好了 痛都會走的
記憶有限 所以它會淘汰壞的
失眠聽歌 想念雖然苦澀
還是謝謝你讓我長大了
越多美好堆疊的過往
想忘就得推倒更大的悲傷
要找勇氣卻不在口袋或手上
但它一定在我身上某個地方
----
Thursday, February 4, 2010
一个人看海
曾经也有一个人，和我一样喜欢静静的看海。
还记得那个漆黑的夜晚，遥望那一片被月色照亮的海面。那一晚我们都看到了和白天不一样的海浪。
我喜欢一个人看海。
----
原来只想有一个人也和我一样，不用言语来刮破寂寞的夜空，只要一起静静的看海，听听海浪澎湃的声音。
还记得那个漆黑的夜晚，遥望那一片被月色照亮的海面。那一晚我们都看到了和白天不一样的海浪。
我喜欢一个人看海。
----
原来只想有一个人也和我一样，不用言语来刮破寂寞的夜空，只要一起静静的看海，听听海浪澎湃的声音。
Marriage
Read an email this morning. It made my feeling got into complicated and sad. Sometimes, it's just not that we don't love that person anymore, it was just because we tends to forget how it get started.
-----
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce.. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man!
That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew.
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions. She didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple:
our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day..
She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy.. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions.. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully..
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy.
Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to
the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time.. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day...
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy..
I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind... I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head.. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.
At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write onthe card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I ran up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.......I cried and cried uncontrollably and carried her for the last time from the room to the hall with tears streaming down my face and gazing at my only son, his tears rolling from his eyes, they made me cry even more. I had lost my love, my wife and a loving and caring mother and nothing I could do now to put the clock backward. I had all the time now to look at her motionless body in detail but I knew it was going to be only for a short while until she made her last journey to the Lord......I held my son and wept again and again thinking of all the things I did not do for her when she was still alive....... ..and placed gently the flowers in her hands with my tears trickling on them.......she was gone forever, all my tears would not bring her back .
-----
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce.. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man!
That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew.
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions. She didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple:
our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day..
She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy.. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions.. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully..
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy.
Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to
the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time.. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day...
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy..
I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind... I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head.. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.
At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write onthe card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I ran up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.......I cried and cried uncontrollably and carried her for the last time from the room to the hall with tears streaming down my face and gazing at my only son, his tears rolling from his eyes, they made me cry even more. I had lost my love, my wife and a loving and caring mother and nothing I could do now to put the clock backward. I had all the time now to look at her motionless body in detail but I knew it was going to be only for a short while until she made her last journey to the Lord......I held my son and wept again and again thinking of all the things I did not do for her when she was still alive....... ..and placed gently the flowers in her hands with my tears trickling on them.......she was gone forever, all my tears would not bring her back .
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
日记本
前几天看了《我们这一家》里的其中一集，谈到日记本。突然间很想再次执起支笔重写日记。家里埋藏了的日记本，我有多久没有再翻开了？我自己也忘记了。
自从有了自己的部落格，我便没有再写日记了。于是这一次，那种强烈的感觉又好像回来了。
想了好久，还是决定了不要新设网上日记，而回归最原始的方式，一笔一划的在日记本上记录“不可告人”的秘密。
只是希望，不会有人在我熟睡后，偷翻我的日记本。:P
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
What's wrong?
Just got my pay today and we were all shocked that our pay doesn't come with our yearly increment. Despites the ex-gratia, it is really something weird and different this year. As for the past 9 years in the company, increment is like a must have reward for us. But this time, what goes wrong?
Lucky later I heard that it was due to some reason and our increment have not finalized yet. Well, I really hope so. If there's no increment this year, then I hardly foresee that good thing will come along for the rest of the year. OMG!
This morning my colleague told me that my boss said my appraisal is a very special case where my report reviewer is our COO. Well, it made me starts thinking what it implies for the term "special"? Though my appraisal is just few marks to hit excellent. Hmm...
Just another few more weeks is CNY, I really looking forward this tradition celebration as it would be the last year where I can go back on CNY's eve for reunion dinner with my dearest family. And, next year onwards, I can only go back on the second day of CNY, I bet my parents will miss me a lot...just like I do. (^_^)
Alright, that's all for today post and let's have a great shopping spree begins! *giggling*
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Don't Give Up
The first month of a new year is going to end soon and I'm telling myself that I definitely have to do something for my own best and future...
This new year, I will be put more effort on my existing job, especially on CRM. Speaking frankly, I am someone that came from a Marketing background, and I am really lack of IT knowledge. But due to the job requirements, I really have no choice but to spare a little more time to input myself with more IT and system knowledge. Though I am now still in a learning process and still a long path to go along but I do hope there's a day where I could firmly deliver my ideas and approaches on how to enhance and improve our operation system and business functionalities.
So, never give up and it's time to cultivate with a competitive knowledge base. Year 2010, here I come for you!
After a tough experience, there come another thought across my mind, my drinking "kaki", give me a mug of Heineken! Cheers! :P
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